Posts Tagged ‘motherhood’

Whirlwind

These days, every hour counts. The days are rich and full. To-do lists are as endless as laundry but I am rejoicing in the sweetness of it all. I’m sorry that my posts are sporadic, as my opportunities to write peacefully are few and, like now, usually take three times as long as they used to because I am quietly typing one-handed with a sleeping babe on my lap. But life is happier and busier than ever.

Elijah is now a whopping four months old. My squinty, wrinkly newborn is gone and has been replaced by a cooing, plump, joyful little boy. He is a calm and cerious child, but delights in our time together. There’s just nothing that melts my heart like his smile when he sees my face. For that reason alone, I hope time slows down and that he doesn’t grow up too fast. I know my presence won’t always bring immediate joy, so I want to cherish this time when I can make all bad things go away with a comforting word, a smile, a nursing session. I understand now what it truly meant when my own parents would tell me that if they could have protected me from the hurts of the world, they would have. I would do anything to keep this child’s sense of innocent joy.

He is my life, pure and simple. I never knew I could love this much.

And the rest of our lives is a whirlwind of work and play. We now have 5 working hives, 3 of which are in very good shape, and the other two of which the outcome remains to be seen. Our original hive is struggling with typical bee pests–mites and moths–and we are doing our best to manage the problems organically and without chemicals. It is hard.

My little one is stirring so my time draws short, but needless to say that life is good. God has blessed us, and my heart overflows with gratitude every day. I never knew it could be this good.

My First Mother’s Day

This is my new favorite holiday. We celebrated with cards and gifts, a nice brunch out and I had the joy of a long, luxurious shower while Rob watched dogs and baby. But really, I didn’t need any of those things; it would still have been my favorite holiday. It was my first Mother’s Day.

Elijah Dolan, my beautiful son. We prayed for you for so long. It has been the biggest honor of my life to watch you grow in these short four months. Every day you learn something new. Your eyes see things with wonderment and awe. You are discovering how your body moves and works in the world, how to interact and how to react. There are still things that feel frightening: waking up is sometimes difficult and scary when you have been in a deep sleep. The other day a sudden movement caused your back to crack and that was a new and unexpected sensation.

But mostly your discoveries are exciting and fun. And lately, you’ve been wanting to tell me all about them. You are trying out new sounds and shapes with your mouth. You are enjoying playing with your hands. As often as I can, I try to introduce you peacefully to new sensations: together we learn about soft things, smooth things, cool and warm things, furry things, wet things. We talk about shapes and colors and animals. We listen to different sounds, and I hold things like peanut butter to your nose so you can experience different smells. I never knew that such simple things could bring me such joy.

I know that, when you are grown, you won’t remember these times. But I hope your heart will. I know this is true with my own mother–that I realize now how much my heart remembers. I don’t have a particular memory of being held, cuddled, kissed, changed, bathed, or tickled. But my mom and I have a bond that was forged from those intimate, loving moments. Eli, I hope the same will be true for us. For I love you more than I ever thought this imperfect human heart could love.

My first Mother’s Day as a mom. At least, in the typical fashion. Last year, so soon after the miscarriage, I feared I might never be a mother. But it was five days later that I found out little Eli was already in my womb. So I suppose it’s technically my second Mother’s Day as a mother! Either way, it’s better than Christmas.